Phuket city guide

Phuket is a notch above all the other Thai resorts, second only to Pattaya when it comes to tourist traffic. Five million visitors a year makes their “phuk-eet, let’s charge double for everything” approach somewhat justified. Transportation, hotels, drinks, food, everything is almost twice as expensive when compared to other resorts. Is it worth the money, though? Oh, for sure. Phuket is in a league of its own. Thailand is all about that organic, rugged, backpacking experience. It’s colourful, a little dirty, smelly, and wonderfully chaotic. Phuket is the opposite; the tourists here are looking for an upper market experience. Think more in the lines of Dubai than Bangkok. This province is even home to a substantial number of Muslims. You might want to think twice before showing too much skin at public beaches. Thankfully, most strips of sand are private and belong to closed-off hotels and resorts. Little towns and villages outside of main tourist centres are built around mosques. Phuket might be the largest Thai island, but the province itself is tiny. One of the more interesting things you can do is rent a boat and explore the surrounding archipelago. There are 32 small islands around Phuket and you can visit most of them. People will tell you that each one is unique, but it’s bullshit. It’s like walking through a forest and stopping at every single tree. There are three worth checking out: Koh Lao Lading, Phi Phi, and Khao Phing Kan.

Koh Lao Lading is a bit far from Phuket, but it’s worth going the extra mile. Frankly, there is nothing special about it, it’s “just” beautiful. It’s one of those hidden beach situations when it’s almost a cove tucked between rocky walls. An amazing experience if you’re into snorkelling: if it only wasn’t for dozens of influencers and their Instagram careers. You hit your head against some boat every time you try to resurface. Phi Phi Islands are the same, but with more spacious beaches. Coincidentally, they were featured in The Beach, which is one of my all-time favourite movies. And it has one of the best soundtracks too. Trust me, you need this CD in your life. The so called “James Bond Island” is my final recommendation. It’s almost identical to the other two, but it’s popular among fans of Roger Moore. It was pictured as the hideout of James’ main antagonist in The Man with the Golden Gun. All three islands are national parks protected by armed guards; so don’t go off picking flowers.   

Girl sitting on a swing looking at the sea island Koh Lao Lading near Phuket

Located far from the main tourist routes, Koh Lao Lading Island near Phuket is not visited by so many tourists, but this does not prevent them from being considered one of the most striking places in the southern part of Thailand

If you don’t have time to cruise around, then seeing just one of the three should suffice. Either one, I have no preference. I do have a couple of favourite spots in Phuket City, though. Reserve some time to see the Phuket Big Buddha. It’s like the Jesus of Rio de Janeiro, but it’s a Buddha and it’s in Thailand. He sits on top of a hill in the middle of the island. It’s not the biggest hill, but it still takes quite the effort to climb it. I think it’s worth it even if just for the view. You can see the entire island from there. It’s simply awesome. The area in the closest vicinity is the Chalong Subdistrict. Sounds familiar? Didn’t think so. It is the location of the famous Wat Chalong temple: the main place of worship on Phuket. You might as well get in touch with nature while you’re in the area. Visit the Tiger Kingdom where people essentially turn wild cats into pets. Or try the Elephant Sanctuary where you can feed and bathe these majestic animals. Don’t ride them though, because it’s a dick move and animal cruelty.

Big Buddha statue in Phuket

In Thailand Big Buddha figures are found in almost all major temples; it is impossible not to notice them due to their enormous size; in Phuket the statue rises at an altitude of almost 0.5 km and is clearly visible from different parts of the island

Pa Tong is the main resort and party district on Phuket. That’s where you’re probably stationed if you booked a trip via a travel agency. This is what you’d expect from stereotypical Thai destinations like Pattaya. It gets crazy and “not suitable for younger audience” especially after dark. There are options if you want to keep it PG13. The Jungceylon Shopping Mall is the largest one on Phuket; it’s a theme park. But why even go on a trip to Thailand if you’re spending your time in shopping malls? The night markets are at least a cultural experience. I wouldn’t put much faith in the sanitary conditions, but the food is great. Same thing with the beach: it’s three kilometres of beautiful white. Too bad that it gets disgustingly dirty. People litter, not to mention there have been cases of locals emptying their waste directly into the waters in 2015. Bring something for food poisoning: better safe than sorry, right?

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